Recalibration Protocol

1. Take a Break

- Relax your body and slow your breathing. Take big inhales and long, slow-release exhales (Resistance Breathing).
- While relaxing and breathing, remind yourself:
  - You can afford to relax and take your time.
  - The more tense you are, the more likely you will arouse your partner’s natural defenses.
  - You’ll be most powerful if you can temporarily let go of the need to counter or dispute what your partner is saying.
  - If you want to get understanding, you need to give some understanding first.
  - (For help with this step, listen to Recording 2).

2. Don’t Jump to Conclusions

- Remind yourself:
  - Maybe you aren’t aware of all of the things that are contributing to their frustration with you right now.
  - In the end, you can stand up for yourself if you need to. But there isn’t anything to be gained by jumping the gun.
  - (For help with this step, listen to Recording 4).

3. Investigate

- Ask your partner why they are so frustrated or upset.
- Assure them that you really want to understand and that you will listen with an open mind.

4. Find Understandable Things

- Identify understandable things about your partner’s feelings (or the underlying wants, needs, worries, or assumptions that are driving their feelings), even if you don’t like the way they were talking to you.
- Look at things from your partner’s point of view. Given their assumptions, perceptions, priorities, or the information they had, can you see why they were frustrated?

5. Acknowledge Understandable Things

- Acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s feelings of frustration (or about the underlying wants, needs, worries, or assumptions that were driving their feelings). Say something like:

“I can see why you are (or were) upset.”

“I don’t blame you for feeling upset.”

- Also acknowledge the underlying wants, needs, worries, and assumptions that were driving your actions.

6. Clarify and Respect Your Differences.

If you and your partner are not on the same page about what needs to happen in this situation (or in situations like this), say something like:

- - “It seems like we’re not exactly on the same page with how to handle this situation (or situations like this).”
  - “How about if we try to find a way of handling things that respects both our feelings as much as possible?”

7. Suggest Working Together

Suggest that the two of you take a few minutes to think about possible agreements you could make in this situation (or for future similar situations) that would take both of your points of view into account as much as possible. If you can think of one, suggest a “win/win” or compromise proposal. Be open to any suggestions your partner may have.

- (If in the end, your partner insists on having their own way or that they are right and you are wrong, listen to Recording 6.)