Recalibration Protocol

1. Take a Break

- Relax your body and slow your breathing. Take big inhales and long, slow-release exhales (Resistance Breathing).
- While relaxing and breathing, remind yourself:
  - You can afford to relax and take your time.
  - .The more tense you are, the more likely you will arouse your partner’s natural defenses.
  - You’ll be most powerful if you can temporarily let go of the need to get through to him.
  - If you want to get understanding, you need to give understanding first.
  - (For more detail, listen to Recording 2 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/.)

2. Don’t Jump To Conclusions

Remind yourself:

- - Maybe you aren’t aware of all the things that were (or are) influencing the way he was (or is) thinking or acting.
  - In the end, you can stand up for yourself if you need to. But there isn’t anything to be gained by jumping the gun.

3. Investigate

Briefly explain why you’re frustrated or confused, while also…

- - asking him why he acted this way
  - assuring him that you will try to listen with an open mind.
  - (For more detail, listen to Recording 3 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/)

4. Find Understandable Things

- Identify understandable things about your partner’s actions or the underlying wants, needs, worries, or assumptions that were (or are) driving his actions, even if you don’t like the way he acted.
- Look at things from your partner’s point of view. Given his assumptions, perceptions, priorities, or the information he had, can you see why he was thinking and acting this way?
- (For more detail, listen to Recording 3.5 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/.)

5. Acknowledge Understandable Things

- Acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s actions or his underlying wants, needs, worries, or assumptions — even if you aren’t comfortable with them or disagree with them. Say something like: “I can see why you were thinking (or acting) this way.” Then explain.
- Also acknowledge the underlying wants, needs, worries, or assumptions that were (or are) driving your upset feelings.

6. Clarify and Respect Your Differences.

If you and your partner are not on the same page about what needs to happen in this situation (or in situations like this), say something like:

- - “It seems like we’re not exactly on the same page with how to handle this situation (or situations like this).”
  - How about if we try to find a middle ground?

7. Suggest Working Together

Suggest that the two of you take a few minutes to think about possible agreements you could make in this situation (or for future similar situations) that would take both of your points of view into account as much as possible. If you can think of one, suggest a “win/win” or “compromise” proposal. Be open to any suggestions your partner may have.

(If in the end, your partner insists on having his own way or that he is right and you are wrong, listen to Recording 6.)