Recalibration Protocol

If you want your partner to care about your feelings, seriously consider your point of view and be willing to make some changes, do these 7 things:

1. Take a Beat

Take a minute (or more) to try and get to a place inside where you feel calmer, more patient, and able to look for potentially understandable reasons why your partner is frustrated or upset.

- - Relax your body and slow your breathing. Take big inhales and long, slow-release exhales (Resistance Breathing).
  - While relaxing and breathing, remind yourself:
    - You can afford to relax and take your time.
    - The more tense you are, the more likely you will arouse your partner’s natural defenses.
    - You’ll be most powerful if you can temporarily let go of the need to counter or dispute what your partner is saying.
    - You’ll most likely get understanding if you can give some understanding first.
    - (For help with this step, listen to Recording 2.

2. Don’t Jump to Conclusions

- - Don’t assume that your partner’s expectations are out of line, or that your partner is overreacting. You may not like the way your partner is talking to you, but beneath her frustration, there is probably a valid want, need or priority that needs to be acknowledged.
  - Remind yourself:
    - Maybe you don’t have all the information about why your partner is frustrated or upset.
    - Maybe there’s more to the story that you don’t know about yet.
    - In the end, you can stand up for yourself if you need to. But there isn’t anything to be gained by jumping the gun.
    - (For help with this step, listen to Recording 3.

3. Investigate

- - Ask your partner why she is so frustrated or upset.
  - Assure them that you really want to understand and that you will listen with an open mind.
  - If you’re having a hard time because your partner is talking angrily or harshly, don’t make a big deal of it. Just try to redirect them. Say something like:
    “I’m having a hard time listening, and I think you’re trying to say something important. Can we slow things down a bit?” (If she doesn’t slow down, withdraw from the conversation, saying something like, “It seems like you need to vent some anger, but I can’t do this. I’m willing to talk, but not right now.”) For more detailed guidance, listen to Recording 7.

4. Find the Understandable Part

- Ask clarifying questions until you find something understandable about why your partner was frustrated or upset.
- Look at things from your partner’s point of view. Given the assumptions, perceptions, priorities or the information your partner was operating on, can you see why she was frustrated or upset?
  - Maybe she was operating on mistaken assumptions.
  - Maybe she was operating on limited information
  - Maybe something was more important to her than you realized.
  - Maybe she didn’t realize that something was really important to you.
  - Maybe she was worried that something bad might happen if she acted differently.
  - Maybe she was having a really hard day.
  - Maybe she hasn’t been feeling very well loved by me lately so it didn’t occur to her to consider how her actions might impact me.

5. Acknowledge the Understandable Part

Acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s thinking, actions or assumptions — even if you aren’t comfortable with them or disagree with them. Say something like:

“I can see why you are (or were) upset”

“I don’t blame you for feeling upset.”

Then consider adding a statement like one or more of the following:

- - “You were wanting __________ (which is a reasonable sort of thing for a person to want) and I didn’t do it.”

- - - ([If applicable] “There’s nothing wrong with what you were wanting. I don’t think I would necessarily want the same thing if I were in your shoes, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have wanted it. I think there are a lot of people who would have wanted what you did in a situation like this.”)

- - “You were assuming _________, so it makes sense that you would feel upset.”
  - “You were operating on _________ information, so it makes sense that you would feel upset.”
  - “___________ is really important to you, so it makes sense that you would feel upset.”
  - “It seems like you were worried about where things were headed, so it makes sense that you would feel upset.”

6. Clarify and Respect Your Differences.

If you and your partner are not on the same page about what needs to happen in this situation (or in situations like this), say something like:

- - “It seems like we may have at least somewhat different underlying wants, needs or priorities that are coming into play in this situation.”
  - “I’m thinking that we mostly want the same things, but some things may be more important to you than they are to me and vice versa. It’s likely that neither of our wants, needs, or priorities are necessarily right or wrong, or better or worse than the other’s. They are legitimately”
  - “How about if we try to figure out how we can both get as much of what’s important to us as we can?”

7. Offer to Work Together

Suggest that the two of you take a few minutes to think about possible agreements you could make in this situation (or for future similar situations) that would take both of your points of view into account as much as possible. If you can think of one, suggest a “win/win” proposal, or make a compromise proposal. Be open to any suggestions your partner may have.

- (If in the end, your partner insists on having her own way or that she is right and you are wrong, listen to Recording 6.)