Steps for a Successful Follow-Up Conversation

(I have a female partner)

When a disagreement ends in frustration and the issue that sparked the disagreement isn’t resolved,[1] it’s important to have a follow-up conversation to seek resolution.  Below are guidelines for follow-up conversations that will help you avoid going down rabbit holes and help you get on the same page with your partner with mutually satisfying solutions.

 Prepare for the Follow-Up Conversation

1. Be clear about what to avoid in the follow-up conversation:

• • • Let go of the urge to get your partner to see how badly she acted during the previous disagreement. If you don’t like the way she acted, remember that the best way to get her to change the way she acts during disagreements is to react more effectively the next time she acts that way, not complain about how he acted in a previous disagreement.
    • Let go of the urge to hold your partner accountable for what she said in the previous disagreement. Instead, give her a chance to say freshly what she means and how she feels. If she contradicts what she seemed to be saying in the previous disagreement, don’t penalize her for apparently changing her mind. Hit the reset button. Allow for a do-over.

2. Be clear about your goals for the follow-up conversation:

• • • Getting on the same page with an agreement about how to resolve the specific situation that sparked the previous disagreement.

                     and/or

• • • Preventing future disagreements by getting on the same page in advance with default agreements regarding how to handle situations that are similar to the one that sparked the previous disagreement.

3. Go back to the original issue that sparked the disagreement and talk about it again.

(Or if the moment has passed and there is no longer a decision that needs to be made, try to get on the same page with your partner with some default agreements about how to handle similar situations that may come up in the future.)

If you’re having a hard time hitting the reset button, consider these things:

• • • • • Your partner doesn’t need you to point out to her what she did wrong in the previous argument order to be motivated to act differently in the future. In fact, the more you try to point it out, the less motivated she will likely be.
        • The way your partner acted in the previous interaction isn’t a crime. It’s just really annoying. Things happen. People sometimes act selfishly. Sometimes they are rude, defensive, critical, or controlling. It’s not the end of the world.
        • Remember, the odds are high that you behaved poorly in the previous argument, too. For example, it’s likely you did one or more of the following:
          • • Jumped to negative conclusions or failed to give the benefit of the doubt.
            • Were defensive or dismissive
            • Neglected to acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s thinking, actions or assumptions.
            • Acted “High and Mighty”
            • Withdrew prematurely
            • Failed to suggest a compromise.
            • Failed to respectfully require equal regard and instead blamed your partner for being selfish or controlling.
        • The main thing is for you to interact with your partner in ways that make it much less likely that she will be critical or dismissive in the future. Move forward by 1) getting on the same page with a decision about your expectations about situations where you often disagree, and 2) being prepared to react effectively if she becomes critical or dismissive again in the future.

During the Follow-Up Conversation

1. Begin the conversation saying something like:

“I’m not happy about the way I handled myself earlier. I just want you to know that. I’m going to work on reacting better. I had a hard time with the way you acted too, but I really don’t want to talk about that. I know that you’re working on things as well.”

2. Your second statement should be something like:

“How about if, rather than talking about what went wrong or trying to determine who is to blame, we try to get on the same page with: a) how to resolve the current situation, or b) agreements about how to handle situations like this in the future?”

3. Use the steps of the Recalibration Protocol as needed as you try to understand your partner and get on the same page with agreements.

1) Take a Beat

2) Don’t Jump to Conclusions

3) Investigate

4) Find Understandable Things

Acknowledge Understandable Things

Clarify and Respect Your Differences

Suggest Working Together

[1] “Resolved” means that partners have reached a) a mutually satisfactory decision (or decisions) about the issue that sparked the initial disagreement, or b) a mutually satisfying agreement (or agreements) about how to handle similar situations should they come up in the future.

 

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