Recalibration Protocol

If you want your partner to care about your feelings, seriously consider your point of view and be willing to make some changes, do these 7 things:

1. Take a Beat

Take a minute and try to get to a place inside where you feel calmer, more patient, and able to look for potentially understandable reasons why your partner acted the way she did.

- - Relax your body and slow your breathing. Take big inhales and long, slow-release exhales (Resistance Breathing).
  - While relaxing and breathing, remind yourself:
    - You can afford to relax and take your time.
    - The more tense you are, the more likely you will arouse your partner’s natural defenses.
    - You’ll be most powerful if you can temporarily let go of the need to convince your partner.
    - You’ll most likely get understanding if you can give some understanding first.
    - (For help with this step, listen to Recording 2 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/.)

2. Don’t Jump To Conclusions

- Remind yourself:
  - Maybe you don’t have all the relevant information.
  - Maybe there’s more to the story.
  - In the end, you can stand up for yourself if you need to. But there isn’t anything to be gained by jumping the gun.
  - (For more detail, listen to Recording 3.5 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/.)

3. Investigate

Briefly explain why you’re frustrated or confused, while also…

- - - - acknowledging that you might not have all the relevant information,
      - inviting her to explain, and
      - assuring her that you will try to listen with an open mind.
      - (For more detail, listen to Recording 3 at https://thecouplesclinic.com/dhrs-rec/)

4. Find the Understandable Part

- Ask clarifying questions until you find something understandable about your partner’s perspective.
- Look at things from your partner’s point of view. Given the assumptions, perceptions, priorities or the information your partner was operating on, can you see why she was thinking and acting this way?
  - Maybe she was assuming things that weren’t mistaken assumptions.
  - Maybe she was operating on limited information.
  - Maybe something is (or was) more important to her than you realized.
  - Maybe something is (or was) more important to you than she realized.
  - Maybe she was worried that something bad might happen if she had acted differently.
  - Maybe she was having a really hard day.
  - Maybe she hasn’t been feeling very well loved by you lately so it didn’t occur to her to consider how her actions might impact you.

5. Acknowledge the Understandable Part

Acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s thinking, actions or assumptions — even if you aren’t comfortable with them or disagree with them. Say something like:

- - “I can see why you were acting (or thinking) this way.”
  - Consider adding a statement like:
    - “You were assuming _________, so it makes sense that you would do that.”
    - “You were operating on _________ information, so it makes sense that you would do that.”
    - “___________ is really important to you, so it makes sense that you would do that.”
    - “You probably weren’t thinking at the moment (or didn’t realize) how important _________ is to me, so it makes sense that you would do that.”
    - “I can see that you were worried that __________ might happen, so it makes sense that you would do that.”
    - “You were having a really hard day, so I can understand why you would do that.”
    - “It seems like you haven’t been feeling well loved by me lately, so it makes sense that it wouldn’t occur to you consider how your actions might impact me.”

6. Clarify and Respect Your Differences.

If you and your partner are not on the same page about what needs to happen in this situation (or in situations like this), say something like:

- - “It seems like our opinions or expectations are probably influenced by the fact that we have at least somewhat different underlying priorities, wants or needs.”
  - “I’m thinking that we mostly want the same things, but some things may be more important to you than they are to me and vice versa.
  - I think there are understandable things about both of our perspectives.
  - How about if we try to figure out how we can both get as much of what’s important to us as we can?

7. Suggest Working Together

Suggest that the two of you take a few minutes to think about possible agreements you could make in this situation (or for future similar situations) that would take both of your points of view into account as much as possible. If you can think of one, suggest a “win/win” or “compromise” proposal. Be open to any suggestions your partner may have.

(If in the end, your partner insists on having her own way or that she is right and you are wrong, listen to Recording 6.)