Steps for Getting on the Same Page After a Frustrating Exchange

(I have a non-binary partner)

When a disagreement ends in frustration and the issue that sparked the disagreement isn’t resolved,* it’s important to have a follow-up conversation to seek resolution.  Below are guidelines for follow-up conversations that will help you avoid going down rabbit holes and help you get on the same page with your partner with mutually satisfying solutions.

1 – Be clear about your goals for the follow-up conversation:

Getting on the same page with an agreement about how to resolve the specific situation that sparked the previous disagreement.

                             and/or

Prevent future disagreements by getting on the same page in advance with a default plan regarding how to handle situations that are similar to the one that sparked the previous disagreement.

2 – Be clear about what your goals are not for the follow-up conversation:

Let go of the urge to get your partner to see how badly they acted during the previous disagreement.  If you don’t like the way they acted, remember that the best way to get them to change the way they act during disagreements is to react more effectively the next time they act that way, not complain about how they acted in a previous disagreement.

Let go of the urge to hold your partner accountable for what they said in the previous disagreement.  Instead, give them a chance to say freshly what they mean and how they feel.  If they contradict what they seemed to be saying in the previous disagreement, don’t penalize them for apparently changing their mind.  Hit the reset button.  Allow for a do-over.

3 – Go back to the original issue that sparked the disagreement and talk about it again.

If the moment has passed and there is no longer a decision that needs to be made, try to get on the same page with your partner with some default agreements about how to handle similar situations that may come up in the future.

If you’re having a hard time getting into this frame of mind, consider these things:

• • • Your partner doesn’t need you to point out to them what they did wrong in the previous argument order to be motivated to act differently in the future. In fact, the more you try to point it out, the less motivated they will likely be.
    • The way your partner acted in the previous interaction isn’t a crime. It’s just really annoying. Things happen. People sometimes act selfishly. Sometimes they are rude, defensive, critical or controlling. It’s not the end of the world.
    • Remember, the odds are high that you behaved poorly in the previous argument, too. For example, it’s likely you did one or more of the following:
      • Jumped to negative conclusions or failed to give the benefit of the doubt.
      • Were defensive or dismissive
      • Neglected to acknowledge understandable things about your partner’s thinking, actions or assumptions.
      • Acted “High and Mighty”
      • Withdrew prematurely
      • Failed to suggest a compromise.
      • Failed to respectfully require equal regard and instead blamed your partner for being selfish or controlling.
    • The main thing is for you to interact with your partner in ways that make it much less likely that your partner will be critical or dismissive in the future. Move forward by 1) getting on the same page with a decision about your expectations about situations where you often disagree, and 2) being prepared to react effectively if your partner becomes critical or dismissive again in the future.

DURING THE FOLLOW UP CONVERSATION

4 – Begin the conversation saying something like:

“I’m not happy about the way I handled myself earlier.  I just want you to know that.  I’m going to work on reacting better.  I had a hard time with the way you were acting too, but I really don’t want to talk about that. I know that you’re working on things, too.”

5 – Your second statement should be something like:

“How about if, rather than talking about what went wrong or trying to determine who is to blame, we try to understand each other’s feelings, be respectful of our differences and get on the same page with a) how to resolve the current problem, or b) how to get on the same page with a game plan for how handle situations like this in the future in a way that honors both of our feelings as much as possible.”

6 – Use the steps of the Recalibration Protocol as you try to understand your partner and get on the same page with agreements (Take a Beat, Don’t Jump to Conclusions, Investigate, Find the Understandable Part, Acknowledge the Understandable Part, Clarify and Respect Your Differences, Suggest Working Together).

* “Resolved” means that partners have reached a) a mutually satisfactory decision (or decisions) about the issue that sparked the initial disagreement, or b) a mutually satisfying agreement (or agreements) about how to handle similar situations should they come up in the future.

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